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♥ Monday, 23 November 2009

Kawaii-Ness ♥

Currently is in school now. Suppose to study my HRA, but Im too upset to get anything in. So decided to blog..

I cry to sleep last night all the way till midnight when everyone else is in their room sleeping?, how wonderful. Woke up late in the morning today. The moment I wake up I start tearing again. Because sweetie isnt there to stretch herself to reach for me. I walk towards the kitchen then the bathroom to bathe, couldnt control again. In front of the mirror preparing saw my damn swollen eye & decided to wear specs & pin my hair up. Used the com, saw auntie's bro's blog. Cry to the max until I couldnt catch my breathe. Heard papa's voice in his room when Im preparing to leave hse.

I fasten my pace kiss Goodbye ah bui & get myself out of the hse asap. Reach bus stop, started to day dream staring in the air like dumb. Up the bus thinking non-stop, weeping away again. To the bus interchange while waiting for bus, is still wiping my tears trying to be so nature that no one knows abt it. Up the bus again, the whole journey, tears just roll down non-stop. Meanwhile, was texting with auntie. She was asking me If Im going back to eat.

I think very long & decided to ask her to bring sweetie & bobby back. I promise her that I will do everything I can to help her with the housechores. I told her that she could just demand me do any single shit & I wont show a black face. I said that there will be more time for me to help her in the holidays. I pleased her beg her, saying that I really dont bear to be apart with my dogs. But in return, was a Cant. They choose not to believe what I say.. & rejected me.

Despite of me schooling & working for my own income both at the same time, coping with all the tests & projects, BBDC with those stressful prac. I still decided to give in my remaining rest time to help out in the housework. But Im not trusted. & was being blame that I didnt take my auntie to be treated as a stepmother of mine. I was told off that I treated her like a maid. I was told that I treat the dogs better then baby. To the max, everything seems to be Im in the fault.

Slowly through this four or more years, auntie, bro & I have built up a certain relationship. But through this years we have always the same problems. When bro & I are like two useless bum to her when we cant or wont do anything to help her in the housework. But I got to say, for the past 10 over years, with my mother, both bro & I didnt have to lay a single hand on the housechores. To the max we will only have to wash our school shoes & iron our own uniform. Towards auntie, I believe bro & I have already try to do & do whatever we was told to. Although theres time we will dillydally can avoid try to avoid but we will still do it.

I understand my auntie that as a woman, she got no proper wedding done no wedding grown to be wore. I understand as a woman she will want to have a baby with her love one. I understand it all, I try to dote her as much as I can. I will remember her birthday & try to be in a nicest way that it could be when I know my papa isnt a romantic guy that wont plan or do any single shit. I guess afterall I treat my mother like a maid more then I treat my auntie. This way I was told that Im only thinking abt compare my auntie's bad with my mother. In the same way, she's only looking in our bad. When bro & I couldnt help in the housework treating her like a maid.

I dont know, whatever I said. Im told that Im only looking in my shoes. Have you ever stand in my shoes & look at how I will feel also? I guess the ever blissful person now is the baby. He has such a wonderful complete & loving family. Irregardless whether is it only among our family or outside. He is just so loved by everyone. Ah bui, bro & I have ended up with a broken family.. Is there anything mend to our hearts? Every single ppl in this world are just looking things from their shoes. Like what I am now also.. Mayb she have her point of view & she thinks that she is right. Im alright & is used to it. We have conflicts regarding this issue not once not twice but alot.

& thats it. I will be so independent in the future. & I believe I will be so alone at home now until my bro is back.. But bro is also neglecting me at times. So I really left with ah bui at home. Believe it or not, I didnt blame anyone for all this. I got to blame myself for being such a useless bum only. Its rather heart break to have all this conflict with her. I tot she understand me, I tot all along she have not been thinking that Im treating her like a maid. But its wasnt all what I think.

But definitely I will think that you are not responsible enough for your acts. Because you are the one that wanted papa to bring them for you. Yet now you are the one sending them away. With whatever reason that you are sending off the fact is you did. I know that you will be as devasted as I am. But the fact is you are still cruel enough to contact those ppl & really send them off. The fact is the fact, theres nothing to deny.

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By right I should have publish out this post when Im in class in the afternoon. Its now 11pm, Im just back from work & is done with the littlelittle housework of mine littlelittle world at home. I dont know if Im right to publish this out. But mayb Im in the wrong so be it. & just continue to be the one here sprouting nonsense. Days will be even more lonely now. Because more & more loves are leaving from my world. Out of my world & out they go.

I cant imgaine

how my life will be..

1:33 pm